Six Years Later ...

First Day of Spring 2018
Instax Mini Film

I’m not really sure where to even begin this post .. but I suppose that picking up where I left off is as good of an idea as any. October of 2012. It’s hard to believe I had just had my surgery two months before my last post. It’s even harder to believe that this August, I will be 6 years post-op. Six. Isn’t it crazy how when you look back on life, it almost always seems like time passes in the blink of an eye? 

Since then, so much has happened. I’ve moved back to Michigan - I actually moved back home for a few years. The guy that I was dating way back then, is now in prison. (We split long before his most recent turn of events, but still..) That’s a whole different story.  I’m currently living with my boyfriend of three years (in Michigan) and I’m definitely creating way less than before. I find myself often trying to figure out why … but the fact of the matter is, I’m not sure if I have a good enough reason. I’m actually not sure if there IS a good enough reason.

I can't remember if I had lost my job or not at that point.. But I was designing full time before my surgery & then afterwards, the job no longer existed (there’s a lot more to it than that, but that’s the jist of it). I went back to working retail to try and stay afloat and just kind of got in that “comfortable” spot in life where I wasn’t pushing myself to find anything better and just drifted between whatever retail job (or two) paid the bills. Between that, moving states, getting readjusted to living back home (after 10 years of being on my own), and yet another medical diagnosis .. creating new artwork has just been put on the back burner time and time again. It’s always so much easier to stay in any sort of comfort zone (perceived or not) than it is to push yourself to do new and (potentially) scary things.

Plus I’ve really struggled with the idea of my education, the fact that “everyone is a photographer” (and that the market is overly flooded)  and the way these things make me feel. To be real honest, it’s frustrating knowing that you spent X amount of dollars on your degree, only to hear that your friend’s cousin’s mom’s sister-in-law does photography too, and she’ll photograph the entire day of your wedding for $150 – or something along those lines. These sorts of conversations seem to follow me and pop up time and time again in my life leaving me feeling disheartened and jealous .. and I know that feeling that way is wrong. Everyone tells me to just let my work speak for itself. And while that is true, more often than not, the person who is going to photograph an occasion for drastically cheaper than another person, generally wins - regardless of other factors. Because of that, I find myself circling back and asking myself, “what did I even go to college for?” and sometimes, I’m not sure I have the right answer to that question either. I love art - I especially love photography more than most things in life, and yet, that love doesn’t seem to answer these questions. I’ve done a lot of soul searching on these thoughts and feelings .. and, honestly, I’m still working on that.

In the meantime, I’ve decided that enough is enough. I absolutely need to keep trying. I need to push myself to create new work, no matter how terrifying it may be to put myself out there and feel that vulnerability. In fact, I’ve actually shot a whole new body of work. I haven’t edited it yet, but it is there, in that weird limbo between started and finished. I even began a self-portrait series, which is something entirely new and frightening to me. I have ideas for future series. The inspiration is there, the passion is there, but it just seems it is always so much easier to make excuses than it is to push myself. For a while, my excuse was not having access to a large format printer .. then, I found someone who does large format printing. Well, then it was that I didn’t have access to a darkroom / film developing anymore .. then I found somewhere that still develops, locally. The list goes on and on.

So, for now, I’m working on re-branding myself as a conceptual artist, as a photographer, and just as an artist as a whole. I’m going to continue working on redesigning this blog, making a new website (I let my last one expire and then my domain name got bought up) and those kinds of things. Just keep moving forward the best that I can.

"There's no time for regrets. You've just got to keep moving forward." 

- Mike McCready